Always Going in Circles.

Yesterday, an old friend gently reminded me that I haven't written for my blog in quite some time. She is totally right; I took a much needed rest from my blog because after my husband's death I felt like my public blog was turning into a personal diary. From the beginning, I intended for my blog to be a space where we could engage in an ongoing discussion of all the issues pertainin to feminism and roller derby.

So, I  am taking my writing back in that direction. Today, however, I would like to share what I have been doing during these past nine months of hurting and healing because these past few months have, ironically, taken me full circle enough to be able to write in the way I want.  During my time off, I

got rid of most of my belongings. One of the biggest things I have learned after my husband's death is that our personal possessions mean everything and nothing all at once. It was too painful for me to hold onto the items that Jeremiah and I had purchased together over the years, so I sold my furniture, parted with my television, and packed all my clothes away except for what I needed to wear for a few weeks at a time.  What was left of our home together was put into a storage garage and out of my mind. Just when I thought my life's possessions could sit in that storage garage forever, I

moved into my own apartment. I lived with my gracious parents for a few months, but one day in October I woke up and realized that I had never lived on my own. Jeremiah and I married right after highschool, so I never had to experience the pain and joy of living all alone in a space that was entirely mine. So, I leased a tiny little shotgun style apartment in the city, complete with French doors and a gigantic kitchen big enough for the one piece of furniture I simply could not part with: my gigantic kitchen table.

I set up my apartment room by room, unpacking boxes very slowly and often breaking down to cry when I would open a box that contained some unexpected item that reminded me of him.  The worst moment of my move was discovering a box of Jeremiah's books that had gotten mixed in with my own books... most of them were political science and history books that Jeremiah collected as a student; these books really got to me because they spoke volumes about his own personal goals and hard work over the years. I'm still not sure what to do with the books, but I am not rushing for any answers. For now, they sit on my bookshelf full of

books. I have begun the process of applying for my Ph.D. I am looking into various programs in American Studies, which would allow me to create a degree for myself in Women's Studies and Roller derby! What started as a blog site about my adventures with roller derby might just turn into a very large project, a book, possibly a lifelong carreer about my observations of women, sisterhood, and roller derby over the years.  Now that  I am back to skating full time locally and for our travel team,  my energy increases day by day  and I grow more attached to the idea that roller derby is a revolution in the women's movement that cannot be overlooked.

So that's that. I've come full circle and I can't wait to tell you about a topic that's been on my mind the past few days: women who scream on the sidelines!

How to Handle Romantic Dates

My calendar used to be ruled by derby. That is, I would schedule my time around games and practices. I even planned vacations and my visits home in my derby off season because I didn't want to miss even one day of skating and competition.

But these days, my calendar is marked by entirely different kinds of dates: dates that mark some moment or anniversary without my husband.  Planning my life around these days is a really strange phenomenon; the only way I know how to describe what I am feeling is that my life is broken into these little chunks of time that remind me how long Jeremiah has been gone and how much I miss him. June 5th was the day he wrote me a poem and asked me to be his girlfriend in junior high. October 23 would be his 29th birthday. December 8 is the first birthday I will have where I won't come home to a random but completely thoughtful little gift. And December 24 is, of course, the first Christmas Eve that I won't be driving around looking at Christmas lights with him.

I knew from reading all the "widowhood" books and from talking with my family that getting through the momentous dates, the holidays and anniversaries, was going to be difficult but I don't think any amount of reading could have prepared me for how hard it is to get through the dates that nobody else in the world notices. Its almost like a constant waiting game where I dread the next date that meant something to us and plan for the date all at once.

I spend alot of time preparing myself for how to act when these days do arrive. I have to give myself an agenda so I can make it through the 24 hours without completely falling apart. For example, sometimes I give myself a list of things that, no matter what, I have to accomplish during the day. My list could be as simple as doing a load of laundry and making my bed or as hard as writing a journal or blog entry where I spill my guts.

I still haven't figured out what I am going to do on October 5, the next impeding date. On October 5 my husband will have been gone for 5 months. I know this day is going to be particularly hard because I am supposed to teach all day and for some reason, teaching sucks me of all energy. I am not looking forward to it, that's for sure. Of course, I do have derby practice that night so as crappy as my day might be at least I can go to practice and just forget about everything for a few hours.

Emotional RICE

Any good derby girl (that is, one who has had an injury) knows the importance of RICE: Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. Following these steps ensures a timely recovery from the breaks and bruises that come with the sport. I am an expert at these steps because I have suffered quite a few injuries over the past few years.

I was thinking how nice it would be if we had such a simple method for healing our emotional wounds too! Taking care of our emotional and spiritual selves is so much more complicated...there is nothing medical or scientific about it. But, I thought I would share some of the things I have been doing over the past few months to bring me a little bit of comfort after my husband's death:

•Drinking Tea. I know, sounds simple, but there is nothing quite as relaxing as sipping on a steaming mug of warm liquid. Makes me sleepy and warms me up when I've been crying too hard and get those annoying chills that feel like they come from the core. Right now, my favorite is Decaf Coconut Chai.

•Watching Television. Okay, so this might be the activity I am least proud of, but I am hooked on television these days! I am absolutely addicted to home improvement shows...the kind where people try to fix their houses before they sell them in order to make a significant profit. Don't ask me why I like to watch people torture themselves with the terrors of homeownership; Jeremiah and I never wanted to own a house and I don't see myself as a future homeowner, so it doesn't make any sense that I like to watch other people go through the tedious processes of fixing and building.  But hey, I guess its better than watching "E True Hollywood Stories" or "Cooking with Rachel Ray."

•Organizing, organizing, organizing! I am not going lie, I haven't always been the most tidy person. I mean, I do the necessities like scrubbing my toilet and keeping my dishes clean, but until recently, I lived quite haphazardly and wasn't overly concerned with having all my belongings in certain drawers or boxes. Now, however, I have to organize everything! I might be bordering on compulsion, but hey, it makes me feel better and I can finally find my socks for the first time!

•Shopping. This isn't the most affordable way to heal, but lately I have wanted to go buy new clothes. I guess I figure since my whole life has been flipped upside down I might as well get a new wardrobe, too. I've been on a sweater kick because there is something entirely comforting about slipping into a giant soft sweater. I really like button up cardigans with pockets. Oh, and argyle. I guess I am just dressing like the old woman I have become in such a short period of time.

•And finally, lady time!! I don't think I have to say too much about this, because we all know there is nothing quite as healing as complaining about our woes over a good drink with some close girlfriends But mostly, I just like to listen to other women talk about their lives because it helps take the focus off mine for a bit.

So that's what I do these days. If anyone knows other healing tasks, I'd love to hear them!

Back In St. Louis

Well, after hiding out in Oregon for two months, I have finally returned to St. Louis to begin my new life as a woman, a derby girl, an English teacher, and a widow.

While I was in Oregon, I spent most of my time writing, reading, and just savoring the quiet time I had all to myself. Sometimes I would sit outside and soak up the stillness of the mountains; other times, I sat in my dark room and and cried until I was exhausted. I'm not quite sure I have the right words to explain exactly what I was going through, but my time in Oregon was very healing because I could just experience my emotions as they came. I didn't try to stop the tears, nor did I try to stop the rare moments of joy I found. I could just be whatever I needed to at any given moment.

Now that I am back in St. Louis, I have found that I don't have those moments to myself, at least not as often.  And somehow, when I am staying busy, I am not even sure what it means to be now. I started working full time again (both as a deli wench at Whole Foods and also planning for the composition classes I will be teaching in the fall).  I have also spent alot of time catching up with the people who are the most important to me.


I am also, of course, skating with the Arch Rival Roller Girls again!  I went to my first practice this weekend, and my body is aching because of it. My muscles are sore, I have blisters on my feet, and even my jaw hurts from biting down on my mouth guard for three hours straight. The term sweet pain really does make sense, because it actually feels good to be distracted by some rewarding physical pain for the first time in months.

So, I am trying to find the balance between staying busy and distracted and just overwhelming myself with too much activity. I am not quite sure I have found the balance yet, but I'll get there. I have to, because even though my roles have changed now that my husband is gone, I do feel certain that I need to find myself again. 

What a Week

This week has been a really frustrating week for me. given me much to think about.

My derby adventures with the Betties did not work out as well as I would have liked. At my first practice with them, I discovered how very little they actually know about the game of roller derby. Since December,  they have spent most of their time learning how to skate on slick wooden floors without falling down, but don't really understand the rules or strategies of roller derby yet. 

They were perplexed when I explained to them that blocks, whips and pushes can be given mutiple ways; amused when I told them that blocking isn't, most of the time, just about throwing themselves against another player as hard as they can; and fascinated when I showed them how, when they are scrimmaging, they should always be annoying the piss out of their opposing skaters.

I mention all of this not because I was dissapointed with the development of the Betties, but actually because I was thrilled to be able to teach them something. Teaching is in my bones you know, so I left that first practice actually feeling giddy and envisioning myself sweeping in and showing these women what roller derby was all about. 

But, I guess my plans to train these women were just too big. I showed up for practice the next day only to find the doors to their practice space locked up and no derby girls in sight.  Apparenly, they do not show up to their practices regularly, and no one had bothered to let me know that practice was cancelled that night. And the next night, too.

So, its been over a week and as far as I know, the Betties still have not had a full practice.

I started thinking about why these women would fail to just show up for practice, because they did seem genuinely interested in skating.  I did, of course, come up with some theories about how resources and money affect their overall attitude towards the sport. One thing I noticed is that many of the women did not have the money to buy the proper gear to be able to skate, so practicing is a frustrating ordeal for them because they have to borrow knee pads, helmets, and even skates just to take the track.  While it only takes an average woman about 10 minutes to gear up, they take about 30 minutes because they are busy trying to find the right safety gear just to skate.

(But, I'm going to save my thoughts on the financial implications of active competition for another post, because right now I want to just share the dissapointments of my weeks and I rarely indulge myself with this kind of more personal post....)

While I was not skating this week, I was receiving phone calls from Jeremiah's creditors begging me to pay his debts. I had expected to start receiving these types of phone calls soon, but still I wasn't prepared for how invasive and demanding creditors can be when they want their money. I spent quite some time explaining to various creditors that no, I will not be sending them any money, and no, I have no assets of any kind to offer them. Those phone calls made me feel pretty pathetic. How can I be 28 and have no assets?  Um, let me reword that. How can I be this old have no financial assets, ha?

Perhaps the most upsetting part of the week was finding an answer for the crediors when they asked me who they were speaking to. My automatic response was "This is Jeremiah's wife."   After I hung up the phone, I realized that isn't actually a true statement. Legally, Jeremiah and I are no longer married.

But, I think its going to take me a really long time before I can introduce myself as something different, and I think that only in this week has the bitter sad truth of that statement really begun to sink in.

Derby Girls In A Small Town

I'm sure when I told people I would be staying with my family in Oregon over the summer, most of them imagined me in the cool cities of Portland or Eugene because those are the areas most tourists seek when they travel to Oregon. But truth be told, I am nowhere near those cities; actually, I am in a tiny little podunk town in the southern-most part of the state called Klamath Falls.

The town is pretty isolated and very quiet so I knew that I would have no problem becoming a temporary recluse, which is what I need most right now as I heal and make plans for the rest of my life. 

But, a girl can only take so much quiet time to herself.  In the past few days, I have been going through some pretty major derby withdrawals and I need the kind of action and excitement that only roller derby can provide. I swear, I have been so restless that I have even been dreaming about roller skates lately. So, I was completely thrilled when I found out that a roller derby team has been started in my tiny hometown.

The Klamath Falls "Roller Betties" are a brand new league and have only been practicing together for a few months. Right now, they only have about 10 active members, so they have alot to learn but are well on their way to being another kick ass league of women in the derby world!  They practice at a unique little artsy center called the Contemporary Arts Kitchen where apparently lots of cool punk rock bands and art shows take place.

Last night, the coach of The Betties called me and asked me to go out for drinks with the girls, whom she rallied together at the last minute to entertain me, a "fellow roller derby chick," because she knew I was in desperate need of some female interaction and conversation. We talked at length about this new league and the Betties even asked me if I would come to some of their practices and offer advice since (even though I don't feel like it) I am a veteran at the sport now.  I'll definitley be posting pictures of my upcoming practices!

Last night really got me thinking on how incredible and lucky it is to be involved in derby. When women join derby, they literally have a built in group of female friends wherever they travel and whatever spaces they find themselves in. And not just ordinary friends, but friends who are independent, strong, motivated and willing to do anything for one another. Roller Derby offers women a gigantic sisterhood like no other.

On top of the thinking that last night inspired, I have also been thinking about how important my derby women were to me immediatley after Jeremiah died. Without certain ladies, I honestly do not think I could have functioned for awhile. I read somewhere that widows usually fall into two categories when they grieve: they either sleep for a year or fill their lives with activity so they don't have to think for that first year. I like to beleive I have fallen into the second category.

After Jer died, Enya Nightmare (one of my best derby wives) drove me around and let me stay at her house. Grave Danger (the mortician) offered me invaluable advice on how to break the news to Jeremiah's parents. Rioters Block, (my favorite wifey from San Francisco) flew out and cuddled with me at night.  Danikka Doom (another amazing wifey) rallied women to clean my house and take care of the more boring tasks that I just couldn't face.  Mayor Francis Slayer took over all the tasks as captain of the Stunt Devils so I didn't have to worry about my team.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. Every single woman of ARRG offered me support in one way or another. Some cooked for me; some simply talked to me about their own experiences with death and loss; many cleaned out my house and packed for me; many helped out financially. Honestly, there is no way for me to express how thankful I am for my derby ladies. 

Without them, I do not think I would be doing as well as I am today. This month has been particulary hard, but I have accomplished three *really* important things:

1) I survived my first holiday/anniversary. On July 1st we would have been married for nine years. And, July 4th was the first time in a long time I have watched the fireworks without Jer.  I have heard that holidays and anniversaries are some of the most difficult times to face after a loss, but I made it!

2). I scattered Jer's ashes at the beach. He always wanted to be tossed into the ocean, and now he is. It was incredibly hard to let his ashes go, but I took them to a spot where we had vacationed with our best friends one year and tossed them in while crying. 

3)  I changed my facebook status from married to "widowed."  Enough said about that.

While I do not want my flattrack blog to become a space for me to mourn the loss of my husband, I think its really important that I share these accomplishments and events because I have come to understand over this past month just how much derby means to me.

Whether I am in St. Louis, Klamath Falls, or any other part of the country,  I have women encouraging me to keep pushing on amd that is pretty cool.   (By the way, speaking of strong women, I should also mention that both of my mothers, my aunts, my sisters, my new found colleague and close friend have also made my journey more bearable. Maybe I should start trying to convince them to strap on some rollerskates......)

Maintaning Balance

The first week after my husband's death, I was not able to eat.  I can't remember most of that week, but I do recall looking into the mirrors of an elevator I was riding and seeing a skeleton version of myself through the sweatpants that I wore for a month straightt. I was wasting away under the stress of trying to plan a funeral, move out of my apartment, and contact family and friends to notify them of Jeremiah's death and quite honestly, eating nutritious food just didn't seem important when the rest of my life seemed to be falling apart.

Now that things have settled down, my appetite is back and larger than ever.  In fact, I can't stop eating and snacking on junk food all the time!  I have found that I want carbs the most-- french fries, chips, bread and anything white and starchy.  Even while writing this I am contemplating ordering deep dish pizza with extra sauce and pineapple.  And cheese.

I am pretty concerned with my shift in appetite and my overall lethargy when it comes to my diet. I know that given my circumstances, I should pamper myself and eat what I want right now, but I do want to stay in shape and healthy so I can start playing roller derby full force in August.  It really is quite amazing the damage a woman can do to her body and overally physical health in such a short period of time. I would be really dissapointed if I returned to the track out of shape and unable to perform as well as I want.

I have some other challenges when it comes to staying in shape. I don't sleep at night without the help of Ambien, which usually makes me groggy the next day. Given how tired I am, exercise is really difficult right now. I try to run but usually only make it a few miles before I'm spent and have to quit.

Additionally, I have found myself eating more and more meat products which I am sure does not help . I have been a vegetarian for several years now and I would eat the occasional seafood but never chicken, beef, or pork. But amidst all the chaos and relying on others to cook my meals, I have been eating meat because I am just too tired to even think about cooking for myself.  I even ate at Steak and Shake. Gag.

So, what are some simple ways to get back on track? Can anyone recommend foods they enjoy that are fast but packed with nutrition? Exercises that are easy but effective? Particular vitamins or supplements?

I need to take care of my physical health right now so that in time, my emotional health can be stronger too.  I know that underneath all my pain and stress right now (and that quickly growing little belly pooch) a fierce, athletic derby girl still exists.