My husband and I begin counseling on Saturday. I have never been fond of the idea of sitting down and telling a stranger all about myself and my problems (I have always dealt with my problems on my own terms) but I did some research and found a female counselor who appears to be smart, strong and open minded. I'm hoping she will feel like one of the many female friends that I have spent so much time talking to lately.
I want to elaborate on my last post, in which I said that my marriage is failing because my husband and I have given up our time together in order for me to be able to skate. Why have invested so much time in this little rollerskating "hobby" of mine if it means my marriage suffers? The truth is, I joined roller derby because I wanted to skate; but mostly, I joined derby because it was my way to be an active member in the larger women's movement.
You see, roller derby empowers women to own and manage successful organizations. Roller derby allows women to have strong female friendships. And, roller derby allows women to develop public identities as serious athletes who must take care of themselves physically and mentally. Every time I hit the track, I felt incredibly proud to be involved in what I think is one of the most progressive female subcultures to date. I guess in my own way, I saw myself as the Emma Goldman of derby and somehow that made it okay to spend hours and hours away from home for the past few years. Cheesy, I know. Every woman has her own reason for joining derby, but mine motivation was all political.
I also had to give up so much time to this sport because of matters of practicality as well. The problem with our sport right now is that we have had to work much harder than our male counterparts in order for our sport to exist. Roller derby is not a "professional" sport yet (that is, we aren't recognized as on a national level) but we have had to spend the same amount of time and training that a professional athletes would. While you would never see a St. Louis Cardinal mowing the field or setting up his bases, you will see female skaters setting up their own tracks and doing all the hard work to make the games happen because its all worth it in the end.
So, has sacrificing my time for this very important female sport (and the larger women's movement) worth it if my marriage has suffered as a result? How come I cannot support this important feminist cause and be happily married all at once? It really feels like bullshit that I am still having to ask these questions even when the women's movement seems to have come so far.
2 comments:
I think part of the problem is that as women have come to realize that we CAN do it all, we yet to realize that we don't HAVE TO do it all. Why can't the derby daddies help- with the business part of the derby? I am all for DIY but training AND running the business all by ourselves is exhausting. We CAN delegate and still be in control. Many women have trouble giving up even a little of the control to delegate. I see it in derby as well as my own office. Now that we have control we hold so very tight to it, when we don't really need to. Let the daddies help, let them feel as if they are a part of it as well- because they are important in our lives, just as derby is
I posted to your last entry, but it didn't take. So, I'll try again!
I'm sorry that this is happening to you, but I know you're a woman who values her marriage, her husband, herself, and her friends. I'm sure that you're doing what you feel is best for you and your values. That is the very best that any of us can do.
Unfortunately, while it is true that women have come far, society, and its expectations/judgments of women, have not kept pace in many regards. I've seen the same thing happen with women and college - myself included. In the past year or two I have seen 6 relationships struggle (and sometimes crumble) under the weight of the woman's increased independence and redefining of her place in the relationship, and her expectations of the same. It's unfortunate, and I look forward to the day when it is the exception, rather than what I now see as the rule.
I have hope that you and your hubby will find the support you need in this counselor. And, I hope that you are able to come through this together, with an alternate, but even more solid, marriage (or friendship) and life together.
If there is anything I can do. Ever. Please, let me know. I can be a very good ear when called upon! :)
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