Back In St. Louis

Well, after hiding out in Oregon for two months, I have finally returned to St. Louis to begin my new life as a woman, a derby girl, an English teacher, and a widow.

While I was in Oregon, I spent most of my time writing, reading, and just savoring the quiet time I had all to myself. Sometimes I would sit outside and soak up the stillness of the mountains; other times, I sat in my dark room and and cried until I was exhausted. I'm not quite sure I have the right words to explain exactly what I was going through, but my time in Oregon was very healing because I could just experience my emotions as they came. I didn't try to stop the tears, nor did I try to stop the rare moments of joy I found. I could just be whatever I needed to at any given moment.

Now that I am back in St. Louis, I have found that I don't have those moments to myself, at least not as often.  And somehow, when I am staying busy, I am not even sure what it means to be now. I started working full time again (both as a deli wench at Whole Foods and also planning for the composition classes I will be teaching in the fall).  I have also spent alot of time catching up with the people who are the most important to me.


I am also, of course, skating with the Arch Rival Roller Girls again!  I went to my first practice this weekend, and my body is aching because of it. My muscles are sore, I have blisters on my feet, and even my jaw hurts from biting down on my mouth guard for three hours straight. The term sweet pain really does make sense, because it actually feels good to be distracted by some rewarding physical pain for the first time in months.

So, I am trying to find the balance between staying busy and distracted and just overwhelming myself with too much activity. I am not quite sure I have found the balance yet, but I'll get there. I have to, because even though my roles have changed now that my husband is gone, I do feel certain that I need to find myself again.