How to Handle Romantic Dates

My calendar used to be ruled by derby. That is, I would schedule my time around games and practices. I even planned vacations and my visits home in my derby off season because I didn't want to miss even one day of skating and competition.

But these days, my calendar is marked by entirely different kinds of dates: dates that mark some moment or anniversary without my husband.  Planning my life around these days is a really strange phenomenon; the only way I know how to describe what I am feeling is that my life is broken into these little chunks of time that remind me how long Jeremiah has been gone and how much I miss him. June 5th was the day he wrote me a poem and asked me to be his girlfriend in junior high. October 23 would be his 29th birthday. December 8 is the first birthday I will have where I won't come home to a random but completely thoughtful little gift. And December 24 is, of course, the first Christmas Eve that I won't be driving around looking at Christmas lights with him.

I knew from reading all the "widowhood" books and from talking with my family that getting through the momentous dates, the holidays and anniversaries, was going to be difficult but I don't think any amount of reading could have prepared me for how hard it is to get through the dates that nobody else in the world notices. Its almost like a constant waiting game where I dread the next date that meant something to us and plan for the date all at once.

I spend alot of time preparing myself for how to act when these days do arrive. I have to give myself an agenda so I can make it through the 24 hours without completely falling apart. For example, sometimes I give myself a list of things that, no matter what, I have to accomplish during the day. My list could be as simple as doing a load of laundry and making my bed or as hard as writing a journal or blog entry where I spill my guts.

I still haven't figured out what I am going to do on October 5, the next impeding date. On October 5 my husband will have been gone for 5 months. I know this day is going to be particularly hard because I am supposed to teach all day and for some reason, teaching sucks me of all energy. I am not looking forward to it, that's for sure. Of course, I do have derby practice that night so as crappy as my day might be at least I can go to practice and just forget about everything for a few hours.