How to Handle Romantic Dates

My calendar used to be ruled by derby. That is, I would schedule my time around games and practices. I even planned vacations and my visits home in my derby off season because I didn't want to miss even one day of skating and competition.

But these days, my calendar is marked by entirely different kinds of dates: dates that mark some moment or anniversary without my husband.  Planning my life around these days is a really strange phenomenon; the only way I know how to describe what I am feeling is that my life is broken into these little chunks of time that remind me how long Jeremiah has been gone and how much I miss him. June 5th was the day he wrote me a poem and asked me to be his girlfriend in junior high. October 23 would be his 29th birthday. December 8 is the first birthday I will have where I won't come home to a random but completely thoughtful little gift. And December 24 is, of course, the first Christmas Eve that I won't be driving around looking at Christmas lights with him.

I knew from reading all the "widowhood" books and from talking with my family that getting through the momentous dates, the holidays and anniversaries, was going to be difficult but I don't think any amount of reading could have prepared me for how hard it is to get through the dates that nobody else in the world notices. Its almost like a constant waiting game where I dread the next date that meant something to us and plan for the date all at once.

I spend alot of time preparing myself for how to act when these days do arrive. I have to give myself an agenda so I can make it through the 24 hours without completely falling apart. For example, sometimes I give myself a list of things that, no matter what, I have to accomplish during the day. My list could be as simple as doing a load of laundry and making my bed or as hard as writing a journal or blog entry where I spill my guts.

I still haven't figured out what I am going to do on October 5, the next impeding date. On October 5 my husband will have been gone for 5 months. I know this day is going to be particularly hard because I am supposed to teach all day and for some reason, teaching sucks me of all energy. I am not looking forward to it, that's for sure. Of course, I do have derby practice that night so as crappy as my day might be at least I can go to practice and just forget about everything for a few hours.

Emotional RICE

Any good derby girl (that is, one who has had an injury) knows the importance of RICE: Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. Following these steps ensures a timely recovery from the breaks and bruises that come with the sport. I am an expert at these steps because I have suffered quite a few injuries over the past few years.

I was thinking how nice it would be if we had such a simple method for healing our emotional wounds too! Taking care of our emotional and spiritual selves is so much more complicated...there is nothing medical or scientific about it. But, I thought I would share some of the things I have been doing over the past few months to bring me a little bit of comfort after my husband's death:

•Drinking Tea. I know, sounds simple, but there is nothing quite as relaxing as sipping on a steaming mug of warm liquid. Makes me sleepy and warms me up when I've been crying too hard and get those annoying chills that feel like they come from the core. Right now, my favorite is Decaf Coconut Chai.

•Watching Television. Okay, so this might be the activity I am least proud of, but I am hooked on television these days! I am absolutely addicted to home improvement shows...the kind where people try to fix their houses before they sell them in order to make a significant profit. Don't ask me why I like to watch people torture themselves with the terrors of homeownership; Jeremiah and I never wanted to own a house and I don't see myself as a future homeowner, so it doesn't make any sense that I like to watch other people go through the tedious processes of fixing and building.  But hey, I guess its better than watching "E True Hollywood Stories" or "Cooking with Rachel Ray."

•Organizing, organizing, organizing! I am not going lie, I haven't always been the most tidy person. I mean, I do the necessities like scrubbing my toilet and keeping my dishes clean, but until recently, I lived quite haphazardly and wasn't overly concerned with having all my belongings in certain drawers or boxes. Now, however, I have to organize everything! I might be bordering on compulsion, but hey, it makes me feel better and I can finally find my socks for the first time!

•Shopping. This isn't the most affordable way to heal, but lately I have wanted to go buy new clothes. I guess I figure since my whole life has been flipped upside down I might as well get a new wardrobe, too. I've been on a sweater kick because there is something entirely comforting about slipping into a giant soft sweater. I really like button up cardigans with pockets. Oh, and argyle. I guess I am just dressing like the old woman I have become in such a short period of time.

•And finally, lady time!! I don't think I have to say too much about this, because we all know there is nothing quite as healing as complaining about our woes over a good drink with some close girlfriends But mostly, I just like to listen to other women talk about their lives because it helps take the focus off mine for a bit.

So that's what I do these days. If anyone knows other healing tasks, I'd love to hear them!