Always Going in Circles.

Yesterday, an old friend gently reminded me that I haven't written for my blog in quite some time. She is totally right; I took a much needed rest from my blog because after my husband's death I felt like my public blog was turning into a personal diary. From the beginning, I intended for my blog to be a space where we could engage in an ongoing discussion of all the issues pertainin to feminism and roller derby.

So, I  am taking my writing back in that direction. Today, however, I would like to share what I have been doing during these past nine months of hurting and healing because these past few months have, ironically, taken me full circle enough to be able to write in the way I want.  During my time off, I

got rid of most of my belongings. One of the biggest things I have learned after my husband's death is that our personal possessions mean everything and nothing all at once. It was too painful for me to hold onto the items that Jeremiah and I had purchased together over the years, so I sold my furniture, parted with my television, and packed all my clothes away except for what I needed to wear for a few weeks at a time.  What was left of our home together was put into a storage garage and out of my mind. Just when I thought my life's possessions could sit in that storage garage forever, I

moved into my own apartment. I lived with my gracious parents for a few months, but one day in October I woke up and realized that I had never lived on my own. Jeremiah and I married right after highschool, so I never had to experience the pain and joy of living all alone in a space that was entirely mine. So, I leased a tiny little shotgun style apartment in the city, complete with French doors and a gigantic kitchen big enough for the one piece of furniture I simply could not part with: my gigantic kitchen table.

I set up my apartment room by room, unpacking boxes very slowly and often breaking down to cry when I would open a box that contained some unexpected item that reminded me of him.  The worst moment of my move was discovering a box of Jeremiah's books that had gotten mixed in with my own books... most of them were political science and history books that Jeremiah collected as a student; these books really got to me because they spoke volumes about his own personal goals and hard work over the years. I'm still not sure what to do with the books, but I am not rushing for any answers. For now, they sit on my bookshelf full of

books. I have begun the process of applying for my Ph.D. I am looking into various programs in American Studies, which would allow me to create a degree for myself in Women's Studies and Roller derby! What started as a blog site about my adventures with roller derby might just turn into a very large project, a book, possibly a lifelong carreer about my observations of women, sisterhood, and roller derby over the years.  Now that  I am back to skating full time locally and for our travel team,  my energy increases day by day  and I grow more attached to the idea that roller derby is a revolution in the women's movement that cannot be overlooked.

So that's that. I've come full circle and I can't wait to tell you about a topic that's been on my mind the past few days: women who scream on the sidelines!