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Always Going in Circles.

2011-02-11T08:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, an old friend gently reminded me that I haven't written for my blog in quite some time. She is totally right; I took a much needed rest from my blog because after my husband's death I felt like my public blog was turning into a personal diary. From the beginning, I intended for my blog to be a space where we could engage in an ongoing discussion of all the issues pertainin to feminism and roller derby.

So, I am taking my writing back in that direction. Today, however, I would like to share what I have been doing during these past nine months of hurting and healing because these past few months have, ironically, taken me full circle enough to be able to write in the way I want. During my time off, I

got rid of most of my belongings. One of the biggest things I have learned after my husband's death is that our personal possessions mean everything and nothing all at once. It was too painful for me to hold onto the items that Jeremiah and I had purchased together over the years, so I sold my furniture, parted with my television, and packed all my clothes away except for what I needed to wear for a few weeks at a time. What was left of our home together was put into a storage garage and out of my mind. Just when I thought my life's possessions could sit in that storage garage forever, I

moved into my own apartment. I lived with my gracious parents for a few months, but one day in October I woke up and realized that I had never lived on my own. Jeremiah and I married right after highschool, so I never had to experience the pain and joy of living all alone in a space that was entirely mine. So, I leased a tiny little shotgun style apartment in the city, complete with French doors and a gigantic kitchen big enough for the one piece of furniture I simply could not part with: my gigantic kitchen table.

I set up my apartment room by room, unpacking boxes very slowly and often breaking down to cry when I would open a box that contained some unexpected item that reminded me of him. The worst moment of my move was discovering a box of Jeremiah's books that had gotten mixed in with my own books... most of them were political science and history books that Jeremiah collected as a student; these books really got to me because they spoke volumes about his own personal goals and hard work over the years. I'm still not sure what to do with the books, but I am not rushing for any answers. For now, they sit on my bookshelf full of

books. I have begun the process of applying for my Ph.D. I am looking into various programs in American Studies, which would allow me to create a degree for myself in Women's Studies and Roller derby! What started as a blog site about my adventures with roller derby might just turn into a very large project, a book, possibly a lifelong carreer about my observations of women, sisterhood, and roller derby over the years. Now that I am back to skating full time locally and for our travel team, my energy increases day by day and I grow more attached to the idea that roller derby is a revolution in the women's movement that cannot be overlooked.

So that's that. I've come full circle and I can't wait to tell you about a topic that's been on my mind the past few days: women who scream on the sidelines!

How to Handle Romantic Dates

2010-09-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

My calendar used to be ruled by derby. That is, I would schedule my time around games and practices. I even planned vacations and my visits home in my derby off season because I didn't want to miss even one day of skating and competition.

But these days, my calendar is marked by entirely different kinds of dates: dates that mark some moment or anniversary without my husband. Planning my life around these days is a really strange phenomenon; the only way I know how to describe what I am feeling is that my life is broken into these little chunks of time that remind me how long Jeremiah has been gone and how much I miss him. June 5th was the day he wrote me a poem and asked me to be his girlfriend in junior high. October 23 would be his 29th birthday. December 8 is the first birthday I will have where I won't come home to a random but completely thoughtful little gift. And December 24 is, of course, the first Christmas Eve that I won't be driving around looking at Christmas lights with him.

I knew from reading all the "widowhood" books and from talking with my family that getting through the momentous dates, the holidays and anniversaries, was going to be difficult but I don't think any amount of reading could have prepared me for how hard it is to get through the dates that nobody else in the world notices. Its almost like a constant waiting game where I dread the next date that meant something to us and plan for the date all at once.

I spend alot of time preparing myself for how to act when these days do arrive. I have to give myself an agenda so I can make it through the 24 hours without completely falling apart. For example, sometimes I give myself a list of things that, no matter what, I have to accomplish during the day. My list could be as simple as doing a load of laundry and making my bed or as hard as writing a journal or blog entry where I spill my guts.

I still haven't figured out what I am going to do on October 5, the next impeding date. On October 5 my husband will have been gone for 5 months. I know this day is going to be particularly hard because I am supposed to teach all day and for some reason, teaching sucks me of all energy. I am not looking forward to it, that's for sure. Of course, I do have derby practice that night so as crappy as my day might be at least I can go to practice and just forget about everything for a few hours.

Emotional RICE

2010-09-09T09:47:00.000-07:00

Any good derby girl (that is, one who has had an injury) knows the importance of RICE: Rest, Ice, Compression, and Elevation. Following these steps ensures a timely recovery from the breaks and bruises that come with the sport. I am an expert at these steps because I have suffered quite a few injuries over the past few years.

I was thinking how nice it would be if we had such a simple method for healing our emotional wounds too! Taking care of our emotional and spiritual selves is so much more complicated...there is nothing medical or scientific about it. But, I thought I would share some of the things I have been doing over the past few months to bring me a little bit of comfort after my husband's death:

•Drinking Tea. I know, sounds simple, but there is nothing quite as relaxing as sipping on a steaming mug of warm liquid. Makes me sleepy and warms me up when I've been crying too hard and get those annoying chills that feel like they come from the core. Right now, my favorite is Decaf Coconut Chai.

•Watching Television. Okay, so this might be the activity I am least proud of, but I am hooked on television these days! I am absolutely addicted to home improvement shows...the kind where people try to fix their houses before they sell them in order to make a significant profit. Don't ask me why I like to watch people torture themselves with the terrors of homeownership; Jeremiah and I never wanted to own a house and I don't see myself as a future homeowner, so it doesn't make any sense that I like to watch other people go through the tedious processes of fixing and building. But hey, I guess its better than watching "E True Hollywood Stories" or "Cooking with Rachel Ray."

•Organizing, organizing, organizing! I am not going lie, I haven't always been the most tidy person. I mean, I do the necessities like scrubbing my toilet and keeping my dishes clean, but until recently, I lived quite haphazardly and wasn't overly concerned with having all my belongings in certain drawers or boxes. Now, however, I have to organize everything! I might be bordering on compulsion, but hey, it makes me feel better and I can finally find my socks for the first time!

•Shopping. This isn't the most affordable way to heal, but lately I have wanted to go buy new clothes. I guess I figure since my whole life has been flipped upside down I might as well get a new wardrobe, too. I've been on a sweater kick because there is something entirely comforting about slipping into a giant soft sweater. I really like button up cardigans with pockets. Oh, and argyle. I guess I am just dressing like the old woman I have become in such a short period of time.

•And finally, lady time!! I don't think I have to say too much about this, because we all know there is nothing quite as healing as complaining about our woes over a good drink with some close girlfriends But mostly, I just like to listen to other women talk about their lives because it helps take the focus off mine for a bit.

So that's what I do these days. If anyone knows other healing tasks, I'd love to hear them!

Back In St. Louis

2010-08-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

Well, after hiding out in Oregon for two months, I have finally returned to St. Louis to begin my new life as a woman, a derby girl, an English teacher, and a widow.

While I was in Oregon, I spent most of my time writing, reading, and just savoring the quiet time I had all to myself. Sometimes I would sit outside and soak up the stillness of the mountains; other times, I sat in my dark room and and cried until I was exhausted. I'm not quite sure I have the right words to explain exactly what I was going through, but my time in Oregon was very healing because I could just experience my emotions as they came. I didn't try to stop the tears, nor did I try to stop the rare moments of joy I found. I could just be whatever I needed to at any given moment.

Now that I am back in St. Louis, I have found that I don't have those moments to myself, at least not as often. And somehow, when I am staying busy, I am not even sure what it means to be now. I started working full time again (both as a deli wench at Whole Foods and also planning for the composition classes I will be teaching in the fall). I have also spent alot of time catching up with the people who are the most important to me.

I am also, of course, skating with the Arch Rival Roller Girls again! I went to my first practice this weekend, and my body is aching because of it. My muscles are sore, I have blisters on my feet, and even my jaw hurts from biting down on my mouth guard for three hours straight. The term sweet pain really does make sense, because it actually feels good to be distracted by some rewarding physical pain for the first time in months.

So, I am trying to find the balance between staying busy and distracted and just overwhelming myself with too much activity. I am not quite sure I have found the balance yet, but I'll get there. I have to, because even though my roles have changed now that my husband is gone, I do feel certain that I need to find myself again.

What a Week

2010-07-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

This week has ~~been a really frustrating week for me.~~ given me much to think about.

My derby adventures with the Betties did not work out as well as I would have liked. At my first practice with them, I discovered how very little they actually know about the game of roller derby. Since December,  they have spent most of their time learning how to skate on slick wooden floors without falling down, but don't really understand the rules or strategies of roller derby yet.

They were perplexed when I explained to them that blocks, whips and pushes can be given mutiple ways; amused when I told them that blocking isn't, most of the time, just about throwing themselves against another player as hard as they can; and fascinated when I showed them how, when they are scrimmaging, they should always be annoying the piss out of their opposing skaters.

I mention all of this not because I was dissapointed with the development of the Betties, but actually because I was thrilled to be able to teach them something. Teaching is in my bones you know, so I left that first practice actually feeling giddy and envisioning myself sweeping in and showing these women what roller derby was all about.

But, I guess my plans to train these women were just too big. I showed up for practice the next day only to find the doors to their practice space locked up and no derby girls in sight. Apparenly, they do not show up to their practices regularly, and no one had bothered to let me know that practice was cancelled that night. And the next night, too.

So, its been over a week and as far as I know, the Betties still have not had a full practice.

I started thinking about why these women would fail to just show up for practice, because they did seem genuinely interested in skating. I did, of course, come up with some theories about how resources and money affect their overall attitude towards the sport. One thing I noticed is that many of the women did not have the money to buy the proper gear to be able to skate, so practicing is a frustrating ordeal for them because they have to borrow knee pads, helmets, and even skates just to take the track.  While it only takes an average woman about 10 minutes to gear up, they take about 30 minutes because they are busy trying to find the right safety gear just to skate.

(But, I'm going to save my thoughts on the financial implications of active competition for another post, because right now I want to just share the dissapointments of my weeks and I rarely indulge myself with this kind of more personal post....)

While I was not skating this week, I was receiving phone calls from Jeremiah's creditors begging me to pay his debts. I had expected to start receiving these types of phone calls soon, but still I wasn't prepared for how invasive and demanding creditors can be when they want their money. I spent quite some time explaining to various creditors that no, I will not be sending them any money, and no, I have no assets of any kind to offer them. Those phone calls made me feel pretty pathetic. How can I be 28 and have no assets? Um, let me reword that. How can I be this old have no financial assets, ha?

Perhaps the most upsetting part of the week was finding an answer for the crediors when they asked me who they were speaking to. My automatic response was "This is Jeremiah's wife."   After I hung up the phone, I realized that isn't actually a true statement. Legally, Jeremiah and I are no longer married.

But, I think its going to take me a really long time before I can introduce myself as something different, and I think that only in this week has ~~the bitter~~ sad truth of that statement really begun to sink in.

Derby Girls In A Small Town

2010-07-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sure when I told people I would be staying with my family in Oregon over the summer, most of them imagined me in the cool cities of Portland or Eugene because those are the areas most tourists seek when they travel to Oregon. But truth be told, I am nowhere near those cities; actually, I am in a tiny little podunk town in the southern-most part of the state called Klamath Falls.

The town is pretty isolated and very quiet so I knew that I would have no problem becoming a temporary recluse, which is what I need most right now as I heal and make plans for the rest of my life.

But, a girl can only take so much quiet time to herself. In the past few days, I have been going through some pretty major derby withdrawals and I need the kind of action and excitement that only roller derby can provide. I swear, I have been so restless that I have even been dreaming about roller skates lately. So, I was completely thrilled when I found out that a roller derby team has been started in my tiny hometown.

The Klamath Falls "Roller Betties" are a brand new league and have only been practicing together for a few months. Right now, they only have about 10 active members, so they have alot to learn but are well on their way to being another kick ass league of women in the derby world! They practice at a unique little artsy center called the Contemporary Arts Kitchen where apparently lots of cool punk rock bands and art shows take place.

Last night, the coach of The Betties called me and asked me to go out for drinks with the girls, whom she rallied together at the last minute to entertain me, a "fellow roller derby chick," because she knew I was in desperate need of some female interaction and conversation. We talked at length about this new league and the Betties even asked me if I would come to some of their practices and offer advice since (even though I don't feel like it) I am a veteran at the sport now. I'll definitley be posting pictures of my upcoming practices!

Last night really got me thinking on how incredible and lucky it is to be involved in derby. When women join derby, they literally have a built in group of female friends wherever they travel and whatever spaces they find themselves in. And not just ordinary friends, but friends who are independent, strong, motivated and willing to do anything for one another. Roller Derby offers women a gigantic sisterhood like no other.

On top of the thinking that last night inspired, I have also been thinking about how important my derby women were to me immediatley after Jeremiah died. Without certain ladies, I honestly do not think I could have functioned for awhile. I read somewhere that widows usually fall into two categories when they grieve: they either sleep for a year or fill their lives with activity so they don't have to think for that first year. I like to beleive I have fallen into the second category.

After Jer died, Enya Nightmare (one of my best derby wives) drove me around and let me stay at her house. Grave Danger (the mortician) offered me invaluable advice on how to break the news to Jeremiah's parents. Rioters Block, (my favorite wifey from San Francisco) flew out and cuddled with me at night. Danikka Doom (another amazing wifey) rallied women to clean my house and take care of the more boring tasks that I just couldn't face. Mayor Francis Slayer took over all the tasks as captain of the Stunt Devils so I didn't have to worry about my team.

That is just the tip of the iceberg. Every single woman of ARRG offered me support in one way or another. Some cooked for me; some simply talked to me about their own experiences with death and loss; many cleaned out my house and packed for me; many helped out financially. Honestly, there is no way for me to express how thankful I am for my derby ladies.

Without them, I do not think I would be doing as well as I am today. This month has been particulary hard, but I have accomplished three *really* important things:

1) I survived my first holiday/anniversary. On July 1st we would have been married for nine years. And, July 4th was the first time in a long time I have watched the fireworks without Jer. I have heard that holidays and anniversaries are some of the most difficult times to face after a loss, but I made it!

2). I scattered Jer's ashes at the beach. He always wanted to be tossed into the ocean, and now he is. It was incredibly hard to let his ashes go, but I took them to a spot where we had vacationed with our best friends one year and tossed them in while crying.

3) I changed my facebook status from married to "widowed." Enough said about that.

While I do not want my flattrack blog to become a space for me to mourn the loss of my husband, I think its really important that I share these accomplishments and events because I have come to understand over this past month just how much derby means to me.

Whether I am in St. Louis, Klamath Falls, or any other part of the country, I have women encouraging me to keep pushing on amd that is pretty cool. (By the way, speaking of strong women, I should also mention that both of my mothers, my aunts, my sisters, my new found colleague and close friend have also made my journey more bearable. Maybe I should start trying to convince them to strap on some rollerskates......)

Maintaning Balance

2010-06-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

The first week after my husband's death, I was not able to eat. I can't remember most of that week, but I do recall looking into the mirrors of an elevator I was riding and seeing a skeleton version of myself through the sweatpants that I wore for a month straightt. I was wasting away under the stress of trying to plan a funeral, move out of my apartment, and contact family and friends to notify them of Jeremiah's death and quite honestly, eating nutritious food just didn't seem important when the rest of my life seemed to be falling apart.

Now that things have settled down, my appetite is back and larger than ever. In fact, I can't stop eating and snacking on junk food all the time! I have found that I want carbs the most-- french fries, chips, bread and anything white and starchy. Even while writing this I am contemplating ordering deep dish pizza with extra sauce and pineapple. And cheese.

I am pretty concerned with my shift in appetite and my overall lethargy when it comes to my diet. I know that given my circumstances, I should pamper myself and eat what I want right now, but I do want to stay in shape and healthy so I can start playing roller derby full force in August. It really is quite amazing the damage a woman can do to her body and overally physical health in such a short period of time. I would be really dissapointed if I returned to the track out of shape and unable to perform as well as I want.

I have some other challenges when it comes to staying in shape. I don't sleep at night without the help of Ambien, which usually makes me groggy the next day. Given how tired I am, exercise is really difficult right now. I try to run but usually only make it a few miles before I'm spent and have to quit.

Additionally, I have found myself eating more and more meat products which I am sure does not help . I have been a vegetarian for several years now and I would eat the occasional seafood but never chicken, beef, or pork. But amidst all the chaos and relying on others to cook my meals, I have been eating meat because I am just too tired to even think about cooking for myself. I even ate at Steak and Shake. Gag.

So, what are some simple ways to get back on track? Can anyone recommend foods they enjoy that are fast but packed with nutrition? Exercises that are easy but effective? Particular vitamins or supplements?

I need to take care of my physical health right now so that in time, my emotional health can be stronger too. I know that underneath all my pain and stress right now (and that quickly growing little belly pooch) a fierce, athletic derby girl still exists.

Derby Widows

2010-06-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

Unlike the women of St. Louis, derby girls from San Francisco do not call call their derby husbands "derby daddies" Instead, they refer to their spouses and partners as "derby widows."

I am in San Francisco right now visiting one of my best friends and favorite skaters, Rioters Block, because as most of you probably know, my husband Jeremiah took his own life last month. I am a derby widow in the most literal sense, but I had no idea the term was actually in use until now! When Rioters Block mentioned something about derby widows over breakfast today, my head snapped up from the bowl of oatmeal I was trying to eat and I gave her what I think was a pretty pathetic look. Derby daddies are derby widows? Really? Very ironic. Oatmeal, stay down.

I started this blog several years ago as a way to ruminate on all the challenges couples face when they decide to join derby. I say "they" because all the derby couples I have known participate in the sport together. Although female skaters might start the sport as a way to get exercise and gain new friends, I think it can safely be argued that derby usually becomes much more than just a casual way to socialize. Roller Derby invades the life of a marriage or partnership, and I have noticed that most couples spend time together either talking about derby or attending derby events. Is the obsession with derby healthy for couples?

Now that my husband is gone, I think its more important than very to revisit my questions about derby, womanhood and marriage and really question what effects this sport is having on women and their relationships.

There aren't many things that make sense to me right now, but one thing did become clear to me over breakfast this morning. Calling our partners "derby widows" as a joke is really problematic, because we should probably be celebrating the life they actually bring to the sport. But maybe I am obsessing on the rhetoric of derby too much...

I guess this blog will also just be a space for me to contemplate my new role as a real derby widow. I have decided to not skate for rest of the 2010 season to think about what is want from the sport now that "Mr Fight" is no longer around. I have many obstacles to overcome to keep playing. Certainly, I'll face physical challenges, as I have found that exercise is almost impossible these days. I am simply am too tired and get very little sleep. And, I'll certainly have financial challenges since I am paying bills on my own now and won't be getting any more sweet little gifts like wheels and tights.

But what most concerns me is my ability to play the sport without my biggest fan cheering me on in the sidelines and when I get home from practice each night. I think I took for granted the ways in which my derby daddy made it possible for me to play the sport. Hopefully, other derby women will learn from the experiences I'll share here in whatever way makes sense to their own derby relationships.

2010-02-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

I've been doing some more blogging about roller derby in other places, too!

Big thanks to Thomas Crone for asking me to contribute to his blog about the all things creative in St. Louis. Really, this is a fascinating blog which is "dedicated to celebrating the creative people, places, things, history and traditions that make Saint Louis a great place to live and work." Make sure to read it if you get a chance.

Off Track: Part II

2010-01-30T09:25:00.000-08:00

I want to thank everyone who has expressed concern or left me comments on my recent blog post about my failing marriage. I was incredibly nervous to post such private and unsettling information, but the all the advice I received as a result of my post has made every word worth it.

My husband and I begin counseling on Saturday. I have never been fond of the idea of sitting down and telling a stranger all about myself and my problems (I have always dealt with my problems on my own terms) but I did some research and found a female counselor who appears to be smart, strong and open minded. I'm hoping she will feel like one of the many female friends that I have spent so much time talking to lately.

I want to elaborate on my last post, in which I said that my marriage is failing because my husband and I have given up our time together in order for me to be able to skate. Why have invested so much time in this little rollerskating "hobby" of mine if it means my marriage suffers? The truth is, I joined roller derby because I wanted to skate; but mostly, I joined derby because it was my way to be an active member in the larger women's movement.

You see, roller derby empowers women to own and manage successful organizations. Roller derby allows women to have strong female friendships. And, roller derby allows women to develop public identities as serious athletes who must take care of themselves physically and mentally. Every time I hit the track, I felt incredibly proud to be involved in what I think is one of the most progressive female subcultures to date. I guess in my own way, I saw myself as the Emma Goldman of derby and somehow that made it okay to spend hours and hours away from home for the past few years. Cheesy, I know. Every woman has her own reason for joining derby, but mine motivation was all political.

I also had to give up so much time to this sport because of matters of practicality as well. The problem with our sport right now is that we have had to work much harder than our male counterparts in order for our sport to exist. Roller derby is not a "professional" sport yet (that is, we aren't recognized as on a national level) but we have had to spend the same amount of time and training that a professional athletes would. While you would never see a St. Louis Cardinal mowing the field or setting up his bases, you will see female skaters setting up their own tracks and doing all the hard work to make the games happen because its all worth it in the end.

So, has sacrificing my time for this very important female sport (and the larger women's movement) worth it if my marriage has suffered as a result? How come I cannot support this important feminist cause and be happily married all at once? It really feels like bullshit that I am still having to ask these questions even when the women's movement seems to have come so far.

Off Track Part I

2010-01-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

I find it very ironic that while my last post was written in celebration of my marriage to my many derby wives, this post is written to ruminate on how my real-life marriage has started to fall apart over the past year. I am not the type to write about such personal topics on such a public forum, but I think a discussion of the connections between failed marriages and roller derby is entirely necessary. I am not the first derby girl to experience a failed marriage--in the course of my two seasons, I have seen half a dozen marriages end. So I ponder: Does roller derby ruin marriages?

Roller derby began as a hobby which my husband and I could celebrate together. He was the person who brought St. Louis Roller Derby to my attention in the first place--he encouraged me to attend the games because he knew I would have something in common with all the eclectic women on the rink. And, when I started publicly skating, I could always count on hearing my husband's voice in the audience chanting "Starry." He was my biggest fan.

But after the excitement of the new sport wore off, we found that derby got in the way of our time together. On nights which we could be dating, I was at practice with the girls. And on nights when my husband could be pursuing his own hobbies, he would sacrifice his time to come watch me skate, or to nurse the injuries I got from skating, or to listen to me talk about derby, or to watch derby videos with me. You get the point: derby became the sole focus of our marriage and of our lives.

Now, I have decided that I will be giving up some practice time to go to counseling and I'll let you know what happens.

I think our marriage suffered for much more complex reasons than not having time together, though. I think we have changed because I joined a community of women who are primarily single, independent homeowners. In her book Communities of Women, Nina Auerbach, (a feminist author I greatly admire) notes that women thrive when they are members of communities that are comprised of like minded women. She states that communities of women are actually very self sustainable even though as a society we tend to think communities must have male members. I think that by gaining so many female friends who live on their own and make their own choices, I became very independent and started to need my husband in much different and more complex ways than I did when our marriage began 9 years ago.

Derby, of course, is not the only reason that my marriage is struggling. There are hundreds of tiny other issues that we have to work out, but thinking on derby and women and independence at least gives me a place to start when trying to fix the problem. I need to think about this issue much more and will continue to post about it.

The Derby Wife Phenomenon

2009-11-28T11:01:00.000-08:00

I cannot count the number of times I have heard women say that they cannot have lasting female friendships. Sometimes, my very own own friends claim that female friendships are catty and superficial (ouch!) Other times, some of my most vocal female students argue that friendships between two women are doomed because women are just too competitive.

After hearing the endless claims that women cannot have meaningful friendships, I was perplexed when, two years ago, I found myself surrounded by roller derby women who had very intense friendships with each other and who were not afraid to admit it. Almost every girl involved with the league had formed a close friendship with another skater, and they kept referring to one another as "derby wives." Apparently, the derby wife trend is something that happens in leagues all around the nation.

After a little research, the best definition for a derby wife I have read is the girl who "reminds you of all the things you ever liked in anyone else." Your derby wife is the girl who will always talk to you about anything both on and off the track. Your derby wife is your competitor, but she still appreciates your talents and skills. And your derby wife never judges you, even when you get drunk, fall off of a bar stool, and smash your eye open all while laughing maniacally (true story!).

I guess what surprises me most about the derby wife phenomenon taking place is how vocal we are about our the relationships we have formed with these partners. Instead of claiming that friendship is impossible, we openly claim that we cannot live without each other. We recognize that a blend of competitiveness and rivalry actually helps to cultivate the relationships we have with these women. There is even a book being published about derby wives called Derby Wives: Skate and Scandal by Dale. H. West (more on that book later, but the title alone makes me very skeptical and leads me to believe we are going to read yet another book about hot women sabotaging each other)....

Anyways, we have taken this word (which started off as a term meaning "whore" and since then has taken on so many heterosexual and capitalist connotations) and made it our own. This new language gives all of us a fresh way to think about the possibilities of female friendship and marriage.

P.S. Let it be known that I am a derby polygamist. I have 4 (four!) derby wives and am proud of it. I cannot live with out my Rioter's Block from BAD, Enya Nightmare and Danikka Doom from ARRG, and Sarah who has started as the best fan in the world but is gonna be a force on the track one day! Derby wives are so awesome that I cannot settle for just one and really, I shouldn't have to.

Roller Derby and Burlesquing It.

2009-11-18T18:03:00.001-08:00

During my spare time, (the few hours I find in between skating and teaching) I scan the internet for feminist blogs and articles because I really enjoy reading about the issues that permeate women's lives these days: sex, sexuality, identity, money and competition. I also scan the internet for anything.derby.related. I mean anything.

So, I was very surprised when I stumbled upon an article in Bitch magazine called "Holy Rollers" that I had never seen before. I read from Bitch frequently, but I guess I overlooked this insightful piece because it was published in 2005 and filed away under the sports archives. (My obsessions with hot women and rollerskates began long after 2005).

While the piece is a bit dated, the ideas in it are still very relevant for women who participate in modern day roller derby. Tammy Oler, former Texas skater and frequent writer for Bitch, compares the revival of flattrack roller derby to burlesque dancing because both activities ask women to present themselves as both sexual and competitive all at once. (Burlesque dancing, by the way, is an art in which women swing on poles and do some very acrobatic moves. She must be in prime physical shape to be able to perform.) As most of us know, fulfilling the role of both a vixen and an athlete is hard: how can we be sexy when we are covered in stinky sweat and how can we be a successful athlete if we are too worried about our hair getting mussed? The sport of roller derby, in particular, asks us to think on this problem.

These days, there are few skaters who don't spend some time obsessing about their uniforms or their female presentation on the track. Ladies, there is a reason why derby skinz exist. As Oler notes, roller derby was only able to come back in full force, able to "revive," because female skaters catered to the desires of a male spectatorship who wanted to see tough but beautiful women on the track pummeling each other. Oh, the trap of living in a world in which sports are, even under the best intentions of females, driven by the desires of men.

How do we deal with the problem we have created for ourselves?; Yes, we need our largely male spectatorship to survive as a sport, but do we really have to flaunt our sexuality on the track to keep our fans? What is the answer?

Declaration of Derby Commercial 2009

2009-11-07T10:06:00.001-08:00

What A Photo Can Do

2009-10-30T11:55:00.000-07:00

One of the best things a rollergirl can do to improve as a skater is to look through photos of herself skating during a game, when she is at her best and worst all at once. Luckily for most rollergirls, fans love to take pictures of chicks on the track so a wide variety of photos are always available after any big game.

Seeing myself on film helps me to best identify if I am skating with the correct form, if I am throwing elbows at certain times, and if I am playing fairly.

I had a very hard doing this for my first year of play because I was too embarrassed to see the pictures of myself that were less than flattering. Believe you me, there is nothing quite as humiliating as coming across a picture of yourself where your ass cheek hangs out a little too far or your mouth guard is dripping spit, or you look like you just peed yourself a little bit.

Recently, though, I have been sifting through last season's pictures because I am going to approach the upcoming season more maturely and proactively. I wanted to share some of the funny and interesting shots I came across.

In this photo, if you look closely, you'll see that Seige is growling at me and I am terrified! I actually remember that moment on the track because she did actually growl:

And in this photo, I am doing something that a rollergirl should never do while on the track: staring at the scoreboard. Taking the time to check the score means you aren't watching what is ahead of you and you're likely going to get clocked:

I'll post more photos as I come across them and hopefully will have some new and improved ones after the season picks up.

Taking Hotrod Seriously

2009-10-28T17:06:00.000-07:00

My season officially begins in three days. It is then I will begin training to play for ARRG's 2010 season. I have taken the past two months off to recuperate--mostly from a pretty nasty shoulder injury but also because, as much as I love derby, I just needed some space and time for myself. Any athlete could agree that a sport cannot be played 12 months out of year.

In the next few days, I will start attending practice three or four nights a week. In addition to training with my team in the evenings, I also plan to do rigorous weight training and yoga on my own at least 3 other days of the week. I have always been active and healthy, but I have made it a personal goal to *really* get in shape in this season. I'm not talking maintenance; rather, I want to gain some serious muscle, flexibility, and endurance.

I was in New York last summer and was lucky enough to see Suzy Hotrod, a very prominent and well known skater from Gotham City. She is the kind of player I aspire to be: fast, agile, and completely solid on the track. As I watched her, it was really obvious that she hits the gym in addition to the rigorous training she does in order to be able to skate for the number one league in the nation. I really admire her ability to push herself that hard even when she is not on the track. Now, I know I cannot assume that Suzy's desire to work out is soley for derby, (I don't know the lady) but with derby quickly becoming a more recognized and respected sport, I can claim that we need to think of ourselves as more serious female athletes.

Anyway, I hope that writing this down will help me stick to my goal of getting in shape. Somehow, publishing my words makes me believe that it will be easier to get out of bed to run, forgoe a few bottles of beer at least a few nights of the week, eat more nutritiously and think more like Hotrod.

Equipment

2009-10-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Some roller girls make the argument that wheels and bearings are not very important for performance. I, however, am a firm beleiver in a good pair of wheels. There is nothing more frustrating then sliding around a corner at full speed with no grip. There is also nothing worse than getting hit and realizing that your wheels are too bald to take the hit without sliding out of bounds.

I recently purchased some Atom Strokers and am very excited to start my upcoming season on them! Apparently, their grippiness and wideness allow for maximum speed and agility. I used to use Devil Rays, but this is a fresh season for me and I want to up my performance and change my style. New wheels seem like a great place to start.

Now, if only the hubs were purple!

Now, if only the hubs were purple!

Recognition

2009-10-13T09:56:00.000-07:00

After taking a long break from my writings in order to throw myself into my skating, this article has inspired me to start writing once again.

I was particularly drawn to this piece because Zach Dundas, a respectable sports blogger, argues that roller derby is a legit female sport with a complex history and a burgeoning future. Over the past year, there has been an explosion of news clips, television shows, and popular journal articles which portray roller derby as a game ( but not a sport) that women play mostly so they can dress up in fishnets and beat each other up. As a serious roller derby girl, I am continually disturbed that anyone can write about our sport so superficially.

Dundas' recognition of our sport is fresh. Not only does he offer a detailed explanation of how roller derby has progressed into something nationally organized, but he compares the sport to other "coporate sports" like the NBA and NFL:

"At less than a decade old, derby has created a full-blooded internal
world—and has done so without corporate cash, deep-pocketed owners, or
even a shred of attention from mainstream sports media. This has come to
pass not because it is so totally awesome to see hot, tattooed chicks on
skates attack one another—though I admit that the appeal therein is not
lost on me—but because these particular hot, tattooed chicks on skates
have seized control of their own sport to a degree no other American
athletes can claim"

And, he recognizes that roller girls are athletes and not just women who want to act out some violent, sexual show for the amusement of the men and women who pay for them.

I would have been thrilled if a woman had written this article, but unfortunatley female sports writers have yet to be taken very seriously by readerships who are members of the old boys' clubs. But Dundas clearly has an extensive knowledge of sports (this article will be published in his upcoming book, The Renegade Sportsman, about underground and grassroots sports) and I hope his publication will help spread the word about just how legitimate female roller derby really is.

They Tell Me There Is No Crying in Derby

2008-06-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has really been a while. Perhaps this is because in the course of about thirty days, my derby world has been turned upside down. This month, my team battled the Smashinistas. This game was, to say the least, very intense because winning guaranteed our spot in the Championship bout. I don't know if we felt over-confident or over-pressured by the potential victory, but something went wrong that night. We lost to the Smashinistas by twenty points.

Those twenty points turned me into a mess. After the game ended and we had given the Smashinistas their well deserved congratulations, I skated around the rink feeling terribly dissapointed...and ended up crying.

There is no crying in derby!

At least, that is what I told myself as I stood on the rink after the game, looking pathetic and trying to sign autographs for all the fans who probably thought I had gone crazy. This wasn't just a sniffle or two, but a full blown, snotty, snivelly mess of tears that wouldn't stop. I put Hilary Clinton to shame that night.

This sappy reaction was not typical for me; usually I accept the results and enjoy the fact that for a few hours, I got to engage in play with very talented women. After this game, however, I felt a deep sense of personal dissapointment...like maybe there was something I could have done to score those points. Over the course of that night, I did the "right thing" and continually reminded myself that I skated as well as I could have for that game; there was no point in analyzing what could have been; I would just have to push myself to do better next time.

So that should be the end of it, right? Well, sort of. The next morning I woke up and checked my messages only to realize that one of our best jammers had decided to retire! I won't go into all the details on that story (that is her story to tell!) but her decision to leave came as quite a suprise.

As I read her message, my world spun. With her out of the game, our chances of getting into the Championship became even smaller. And, with her out of the game, my personal goal to step up my game just became very a public expectation.

Flipping Through the Channels

2008-05-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Very important, I think, that this video was published on one of the most credible and well known sports venues, ESPN. I particularly like the statements the girls make about how female friendship and competitive sports go hand in hand:

The El Train

2008-05-07T09:26:00.000-07:00

My recent journey to Chicago confirmed what I have suspected for a long time now: I belong in a city.

Most of the time, I lingered downtown. I travelled at least 15 miles on foot while browsing the stores, theaters, and parks that are seamlessly squished together. I walked all the way down to Navy Pier and along the Lakeshore trail. I never got tired because I did not have time to think about my feet.

I also lingered on the El. I never actually needed to ride the train anywhere, but learning how to navigate the public transportation system felt really important to me. Not only did I partcipate in the rituals of climbing the big metal stairs, purchasing a ticket, and claiming a seat on the crowded train, but I was part of the ritualistic memorization of the colors of the map that is essentail to getting to all the neighborhoods all over the city.

I guess I could say riding the El was the more "true" Chicago experience because I got to see the distinct and diverse neighborhoods of the city as I rode.

While I was riding, I was on a continual lookout for girls who might be wearing "Windy City Rollers" jackets. Had I seen one of these rollegirls, I would have shown her the "Arch Rivals" jacket that I wear constantly, and we would have bonded. But, I never did see any of these women. I imagine that most of them were probably hanging out in one of those distinct neighborhoods that I could only observe from the distance of the train.

Pushing On

2008-04-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, we played our second game of the season. This was the most intense game we have played yet. We offered the the M80's some real competition. They hit hard and skated fast but we retaliated with force and for two whole periods, there was only a point spread of around ten points.

We may have retaliated too much. Endless strings of women were put in the penalty box for back blocking, elbowing, sometimes even tripping. One of my captains fell down and hit her head so hard that it could be heard across the rink; my other captain admitted she had over twenty two (22!) fouls. It seems that we were all so focused on winning that things got frenzied and careless.

You know, we see this same pattern of slippage unfolding in large scale politics right now, too. Multiple candidates struggle to remain composed in the last stretches of the primaries, and as their anxiousness and drive to win gets more intense, they slip up in front of various media outlets. Needless to say, I am thinking of the insults that fly between Obama and Clinton these days.

Nervousness is bound to occur in any competition, but I guess what is most important is to keep that internal frenzy from becoming *visible* to spectators. When emotional responses to pressure become visible, then spectators start to expect it all too frequently.

How the City is Making us Visible

2008-04-07T08:12:00.000-07:00

A recent topic of conversation amongst the derby girls has caught my attention: whether or not to attend a re-election party for the mayor of St. Louis. Mayor Slay personally invited the roller girls to attend his party so that he can campaign for his upcoming election in style.

On the surface, our conversation seems to have started because as a league, we are concerned about claiming political favoritism. Should we align ourselves with one particular politician? Will our presence lend bias toward the democratic party? Will we dissuade non-democrats from attending our games? While I do agree that these questions are all important, I think the major issue behind our debate is that Slay’s party asks us to own our real life political beliefs in a way we are not accustomed.

You see, most roller girls have well known political personas--the identities we create for ourselves as a kind of exclamation of what we want to be. While skating, I am Starry Starry Fight but rarely do I get the opportunity to be that extreme elsewhere. I can’t demonstrate the same aggression that I do on the rink without making someone uncomfortable.

It seems that the roller rink is one of the few places where we can, as women, be political with no resistance. Democrat or Republican aside, Mayor Slay is giving the rollergirls the opportunity to demonstrate just how much these two parts of ourselves should intertwine. I think this is wonderful.

Belonging to the city.

2008-04-01T08:02:00.000-07:00

For quite some time now, I have wanted to live in the city. It seems that being a rollergirl is the closest I can get at this moment.

Beyond just allowing me to skate, being a member of the Arch Rivals allows me to be in constant contact with women diverse and distinct neighborhoods of St. Louis...Dogtown, Central West End, South City. I find it quite extraordinary that women from such vast spaces of the city are able to consistently come together in the same space two, three, sometimes even four days a week for practice. Some of us drive five minutes to get to practice; others must travel for forty.

Being a rollergirl also gives me access to the events in the city. In just one short year, I have participated in the Pride Parade, Grovefest, a fashion show on Washington Avenue, and various music shows at the City Museum. These are all happenings that I would not have even heard about if I had not networked with such a large group of women, so I try to attend as many of these going-ons as possible.

Somehow, being a rollergirl and participating in these events confirm that for now, I can be a part of something large. I can belong to St. Louis, even from Belleville.

An Accidental Hit

2008-03-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

This weekend, I sifted through hundreds of pictures that were taken at our recent game. One image in particular caught my attention; it was taken immediatley after I got hit in the eyeball. The result was a painfully scratched cornea and an even more painfully bruised ego. Beyond just making me laugh at the horrified expression on my face, this image got me thinking a little lit bit more on how much our game revolves around trust.

Very rarely in roller derby do women take hits like the one I took at that game. That is because, contrary to what many people think, derby girls do not skate with the intent of hurting each other. While it is true that we participate in a rough and tumble sport, what is more apparent is that we protect each other on the rink.

We fall lightly so as not to take another woman down with us when we are falling. We skate fast but slow down if our teammates cannot keep up. In short, we watch out for every woman on the track. The look on my face that night was of pure surprise because rarely does something like that happen, and when it does, it is unintentional.

I think the larger implications of this thought is that any competition must be based on trust. Battling with people who break the rules creates something larger and more sinister than competition, something I would like to believe that women wouldn't do to one another. Competition, ironically enough, is what makes roller derby a perfect sisterhood. We know that no matter what, we are skating with women who are both our competitors and allies at all times.

The Aftergame Glow

2008-03-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Our major victory this weekend resulted in a giddy Tuesday night practice. Each one of us glowed with pride, and understandably so: we not only won our first game, we dominated the other team by almost thirty points.

Underneath all the playfulness was a sense of somber responsibility. Our next game is coming up quickly--only three weeks away--and we are playing a formidable group of women. The M80's hit hard and skate fast and we all know that we are going to have to do some intense preparation over the next couple of weeks if we want to dominate once again.

So while most of us spent a lot of time on the track tonight doing some typical blocking and fast stepping strategies, I noticed that my captain spent a great deal of time consulting her notebook and writing things down, then calling each one of my teammates over to look at what she had written. While I was watching her I realized that most of us like to harbor our ideas; but, the fiercest competitors make those ideas more tangible.

How Rollergirls Wear Masks

2008-03-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

Recently, I went to an art exhibit that featured exotic masks from around the world. A good friend of mine commented that although we often think of masks as tools to cover up our faces, we actually use them for most often to draw attention to what we could be. He pointed to a mask with one foot long horns on it as an example. "How could someone want to cover up or fade away with something like that? Na, that mask is saying something."

I felt like I "masked" this weekend at my roller derby bout.

Getting ready for the actual game was a day long event. In the morning, I decorated my uniform with Stunt Devil Stars. In the midafternoon, I applied makeup, slithered into fishnets followed by two pairs of socks and essential short shorts. Moments before the game, I applied a thin layer of body glitter (silver for my team color) and styled my hair so it would shine under my helmet.

On the surface, I can see how it would seem silly to decorate for an athletic event. Why wear makeup when it will be sweated off? Why wear fishnets when they will get torn upon the first fall upon the rink? I am not the only woman who ignores these questions--virtually every roller derby girl goes through the same routine of dressing up and creating a look for herself before a big game.

The truth is, we all like to mask at various times in our lives. It just so happens that as a roller derby girl, I am able to wear makeup and accessories and still kick ass while I am doing it.

Claiming my expertise

2008-03-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

In order to more fully prepare for our game this weekend, I left practice early last night and had a "team bonding" session with my teammates. I sat around and watched clips from old bouts. Seeing myself making blunders on the large screen gave me a high motivation to skate a little harder, thats for sure.

Skating a little harder...is that even possible? It seems that I am always pushing myself to improve. So much, in fact, that I have a hard timing judging what it is I already do well. During my bonding session, my captain asked all of the women in the room to vocalize one thing they knew they *would do well* at the upcoming game.

My teammates immediately started to say things like:

"I won't go out of bounds like I usually do."
"I'll quit back blocking."
"I will skate harder than I have been able to do so far."

I have to admit, I was not totally surprised by these answers or reactions. My own personal reaction (after fighting off the queasy feeling of being put on the spot to) was to shoot out some lame answer which didn't make sense, even to me.

As a collective whole, we were unable to claim our talents. And I am not just speaking about roller derby girls here. Rarely do any women recognize when they are truly skilled at something. And, even more rarely are we proud to vocalize our skills. Why can't we wallow in our expertise?

Tomorrow night, I will wallow. I might not score the most points or skate perfectly, but I have worked hard enough to take ownership of my talents.

Officially Existing

2008-03-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

Eight days until the 2008 season opener.
Yes Arch Rivals.
Yes Stunts Devils.

I became a member of the Stunt Devils last season. The timing was awkward to say the least; there were only two games left in the season and I had no real training or bonding time with this group of women to whom I suddenly belonged. I wanted to belong but I needed time.

This season, I'm real.

Big things come in small packages

2007-12-25T11:27:00.000-08:00

We both agreed that we shouldn't buy presents for each other this Christmas because we really can't afford it. But I decided to buy him a gift because yes, I do pay enough attention to know that he needs a new razor and some of the shaving soap that can be whipped up in a cup. I even splurged and bought him some chocolates that were in the checkout stand at Target.

He didn't smile when I gave him his gleaming blade. He frowned and said "now I feel really guilty for not buying you something."

And now I feel guilty too, and I really can't afford that.

2007-12-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

I turned twenty six and bought these.
Somehow, these boots will keep me young. I'm sure of it.

Facing Fears and Playing Trivia

2007-12-02T13:33:00.000-08:00

Turning twenty six has stricken fear in me. My biggest fear--the one that plagues me the most these days-- is growing old without friends. Not just friends, but lasting female friends.

My fear spurs from the fact that many women have come and gone out of my life in various ways. Some have moved to larger spaces, some have found different interests, some have even had children and simply don't have time to make a phone call. Whatever the reasons, I am always conscious of these friendships....fading. Never.just.ending.

Very conscious, but also unclear of how to stop it from happening.

Maybe I dwell too much. Maybe I don't need to stop it. Maybe it is natural for people to grow apart. Admit defeat. The only real bond is sealed with rings. Maybe I need to quit watching so much 'Sex and the City' where women have the financial and spacial capabilities to maintain lasting friendships. Yeah right. I could never stop watching that show.

St. Louis is hot.....

2007-08-19T15:00:00.001-07:00

A very hot city, indeed. This is what I consider to be the hottest thing about St. Louis, (as many of you already know) but keep an eye out for many more things....

Starry

Staying in touch

2007-08-16T12:36:00.001-07:00

You are not my friends, exactly. You put me in a frenzy. The same frenzy I feel when I drink too much coffee. We should have coffee soon.

This is what my summer has led up to...

2007-08-16T12:26:00.001-07:00

We have never talked about the small things...

2007-07-19T04:48:00.001-07:00

The other day, I picnicked in Forest Park with an old friend. A close friend. We sat on a yoga mat, facing each other. Although I had not seen her for quite some time, we slipped into a familiar pattern of conversation: she challenged me with her ideas and I tested her right back. We allowed each other to think deeper, to solve puzzles which were larger than ourselves.

Clarifying Friendship

2007-07-13T14:18:00.001-07:00

"We were suitmates but not yet friends" ~ Joyce Carol Oates

Death has been around lately: An unmoving bird and a fast moving car. A friend at work. A friend's mom. I should be sad, but the only thing I feel is that I need fewer suitemates.

In the place where dreams come true...

2007-07-08T05:45:00.001-07:00

In Disneyworld I was surrounded by people, all the time. I found myself listening to snippets of conversations spoken in different languages. I tried to pick the conversations apart, word by word, as I waited in line to board a ride. Some would say I was eavesdropping, but I could never really understand a whole sentence no matter how hard I tried.

Space does not come easily

2007-07-07T06:16:00.000-07:00

Moments before I left for vacation with my husband, I found out that I am a "Stunt Devil." No longer am I just a new derby girl learning the ropes. I am an official member of a female team. I have my own colors. My own name and number. My own corner on the rink. My own space.

She said we keep missing each other...

2007-06-20T19:16:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been working, driving, skating, floating, thinking, moving, traveling...always traveling. My female friends have never told me to stop moving. And because they are my best friends they have never asked where I am going.

Drowning in srubs

2007-06-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

Every morning, I put on big, baggy, khaki colored medical scrubs...the required uniform at my new job. Some of the women at work say that they love the scrubs because "they are so comfortable and easy to move around in." Move around? I can barely breathe under the layers of baggy fabric which cover my tattoos and my developing derby thighs.

City Windows

2007-06-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had to have my "official" derby picture taken.

I dolled myself up, hung stars around my neck, combed my bangs until they lay perfectly straight. I went to the studio to shine.

What I love about the the leading protagonist of my favorite Atwood novel, Cat's Eye, is how she wanders through the city and looks at her face through the glass of various shop windows. Her image is always blurred, but she cannot stop looking at herself. Through the windows, she is a citizen of the city. She owns the city.

My pictures were disappointing. After every flash and snap of the camera, my image would appear on the computer screen directly to my left. They were clear, bright, lucid. What should have been instant gratification turned into instant horror when I realized that I *had* to provide an image which would circulate throughout St. Louis. I could never have taken something good enough.

Luckily for me, digital cameras can erase it all and I will take another one tomorrow.

Globalizing

2007-06-06T03:49:00.000-07:00

Main street in Edwardsville, Illinois, is closed today for a movie shoot. What will the coffee drinkers of Sacred Grounds do? Where will they go?

Surfacing

2007-06-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

"She was surfacing"~Margaret Atwood

Every morning, I head to the city-- so early that it is still dark out. I am a taxpayer for St. Louis now: a temporary taxpayer who only works for the city but doesn't have permanent residence there. I don't live in the city. After work, I head to a quiet cafe on a busy street and read a book; sometime, I browse the classified ads in the St. Louis Post Dispatch. After reading, I drive to Roller Derby practice and get knocked down by a group of women who have lived in the city much longer than I. The process is exhilirating.

Leaving campus and heading to the city

2007-05-29T06:06:00.001-07:00

An old student came to my derby bout in South City this weekend. Although we had grown to know each other pretty well over the course of last semester, she stared at me with lost eyes. She did not quite recognize me, but she knew that she knew me.

"I didn't know who you were at first!" she admitted once we had made eye contact.

How could she have? She was trying to figure out who I was by staring at me through the glass of the ticket window, wearing fishnets and a shirt which said "I love Spanky's."

Dressing up to be on the radio

2007-05-26T05:17:00.000-07:00

During a recent radio interview, the d.j. opened his interview with this comment: "Nothing is sexier than seeing a woman kick ass."

His words were not surprising: in the short time I have been an official derby girl, I have heard those same words from at least two dozen men. But lurking beneath his question is the fantastic truth that men are fascinated by aggressive women. Could it really be true that, contrary to what hundreds of years of a patriarchal system has told us, a large number of men are attracted to women who assert power?

Derby girls are powerful and aggressive: in order to survive the world of derby, we must not only be physically strong, but mentally prepared to interact with women in ways that are entirely unconventional. And, the power that we gain as derby girls filters into other areas of our lives. As Starry Starry Fight, I ooze confidence and power. Just last night at work, I was waiting on a table of very rude men who asked for ranch every time I walked by. These men didn't really need the ranch--nobody could consume that much salad dressing--they were just having a good time making me take their commands with a smile on my face and looking at my ass when I walked by.

Ordinarily, I would have sucked it up and done my job, earned my tip, and gone home dismayed with a pocket full of cash. But last night, I "became" Starry Starry Fight and told the men that if they needed that much extra attention, they would have to figure out exactly what they needed because I had other tables to take care of. Much to my surprise, they loved it!

Sure, this is a lighthearted example of a very serious issue. But it does illustrate what I hope, and what the d.j. told the world through the radio that day, is that men are at least *starting* to recognize the beauty in women who can battle.

My skates have been snatched...

2007-05-22T06:15:00.001-07:00

I walked out of practice last week and left them behind. Now, they are gone. It is not the snatchers fault; not entirely. Motherhood is not for me, not right now.

knee caps and derby wives

2007-05-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

The other night at derby practice, I dislocated my knee. Nothing serious--the kneecap just popped out and right back in--but it was enough to scare me. I fell to the ground as visions of a ruined derby career flashed through my head.

I was actually waiting for this particular injury to occur. I have had knee problems my whole life. In eighth grade, I dislocated my knee while playing the "carrot game": a ridiculous game in which a bunch of people stand in a circle and pass around a raw carrot as it rests between their legs. Just a few months after that humiliating accident, my knee gave out while I was dancing alone at a friends house. And all too frequently these days, I can feel my knee getting weaker and looser, a sure sign that I am getting older.

Despite my history and expectations, I still found myself unable to move when my knee twisted violently. I laid pitifully on the rink for about 30 seconds, determined not to move and not quite sure what to do.

But Sarah, my derby wife, made the decision for me. She skated up , looked me in the eye and said "If you are hurt, you are hurt. You'll get over it. Now get back up and quit complaining."

Aah, derby wives. The term "derby wife" is a familiar phrase in derby discourse; every girl finds one woman they connect with completely, can talk to about anything, and does not mind spending significant amounts of time with. A derby wife is a partner in crime, a drinking buddy, and a counselor. A derby wife is the one person who will not let you fail when you want to curl up on the floor in pain.

Sarah became my derby wife after I "proposed" to her in my car on the way to practice one night. We were meant to be together--we started the Arch Rivals at the same time and confided in each other when we were overwhelmed with excitement, nervousness, sometimes dismay. If anyone else had been there the night my knee had gone out (a husband, perhaps) he would have helped me off the rink, offered me comforting words, and maybe even insisted that I go to the doctor. He would have pitied me because that's a natural instinct.

But my derby wive--and all derby wives--have a more important role. She must be honest. She must help you to compete while being your competitor. And she must make you keep skating, no matter what.

Getting put in the margins is not always so bad....

2007-05-17T06:48:00.000-07:00

I found out today that I got footnoted today. I am so proud.